According to John M. Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual as opposed to solvable (John M. Gottman 138). That means that a majority of the disagreements couples have are not going to come to a mutually agreeable solution, and that neither spouse is likely to ever really agree on certain issues. These issues can be complex, and can include things like an inequity in chore distribution, finances, disagreements about how to discipline children, and differing religious beliefs. Having perpetual problems can cause a strong sense of distress for couples who become gridlocked over these issues. They may continually have the same conversation over and over while feeling like they are getting nowhere, or eventually “agree to disagree,” which leads to disengagement and negativity.
To avoid damage to a relationship, couples need to learn how to successfully manage conflict. Gottman gives four keys to accomplish this:
1) “Negative emotions are important… remember that successful relationships live by the motto ‘When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen’” (157). This means that when your spouse is sharing negative emotions, your put aside your automatic reactions and try to understand what your spouse is trying to share with you. It can take a lot of practice to get good at expressing negative emotions in a non-threatening way, so be gentle and patient with each other as you work on it.
2) “No one is right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones” (157). Each spouse comes into the marriage with vastly different perceptions. This is to be expected since each grew up in a separate household with diverse styles of parenting, conflict resolution, communication, and ways of interacting with the world. Although most spouses have some similarities, each have grown up with unique experiences which shape their perspective. This can enrich the marriage, but can also lead to perpetual problems. It’s important to remember that your perception is only one way of looking at something, and that a different view isn’t necessarily a “wrong” one.
3) “Acceptance is crucial. It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated, they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege, and they dig in. Therefore, the basis for coping effectively with relationship issues, … is to communicate basic acceptance of your partner’s personality” (157). This is where the principle of “turning towards each other” can really help. By working to recognize and appreciate the efforts your spouse makes, you are keeping your focus on the positive aspects of their personality and traits. If each spouse is doing this, it will be far easier to show acceptance rather than negativity and contempt.
4) “Focus on fondness and admiration” (157). This works hand in hand with turning towards each other. Learning to view your spouse’s shortcomings and quirks as “amusing parts of the whole package” can help to reduce the negativity associated with such. As a couple focuses on their fondness and admiration for each other, they are more likely to communicate acceptance and love, even in the midst of serious disagreements. A key to developing more fondness and admiration is forgiveness. A good refrain to remember is, ''A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers." (Goddard)
Marriage comes with many challenges, some solvable and some perpetual, but as we strengthen our commitment to our spouse and relationship, we can enjoy greater happiness and satisfaction in life. As quoted in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Ken Brooks gives this excellent insight, "Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners" (Goddard 106). No sacrifice is too great, and no effort is too hard, when it comes to the blessings awaiting us in a happy marriage.
Works Cited
Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, Utah: Joymap Publishing, 2009.
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second. New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015. Book.
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