Last week I wrote about how
69% of problems in a marriage are perpetual, and how they can lead to gridlock.
That seems like a discouraging amount of ongoing problems to have in a
marriage, but there is good news- couples can often overcome gridlock and enjoy
greater peace and happiness in their marriage.
An important key to preventing
gridlock in the first place is to be conscious of each other’s needs. By
following some of the exercises I wrote about in previous posts (turning
towards each other, nurturing fondness and admiration, etc.) you are less
likely to experience as many hurt feelings as you might otherwise. This
reduction in hurt feelings generally helps a couple to work through problems
without becoming gridlocked.
When gridlock does happen,
it’s important to understand that the root cause is “that you each have dreams
for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t
respect” (John M. Gottman) . Generally these are deep dreams that
we carry with us from childhood. They might be practical ones like wanting to
achieve a certain level of financial success or security, or more profound ones
such as a personal spiritual journey or ending a chapter of one’s life. Dreams
are the “hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give
purpose and meaning to your life” (238) .
Even if our dreams aren’t obvious to our conscious self, they lie under the
surface, affecting most of our decisions.
How do these dreams factor in
the solution of perpetual problems? If a couple has core dreams that are at
variance with one another, it will cause them to argue endlessly about the same
issues without getting anywhere. However, when a couple is aware of,
understands, and respects each other’s dreams, they are better able to support
each other. The first step in overcoming gridlock, then, is to discover what
dreams are fueling the conflict. This can be hampered by one or both partners feeling
that their dreams are immature or unrealistic, and consequently burying them.
This does not actually stop the longing to have the dream fulfilled, though. In
fact, it may end up creating more gridlock because the partner seems unaware of
what is at the core of the issue.
To uncover each other’s
dreams, you need a safe time and place to discuss them. This is not an exercise
that should be done when either of you are feeling stressed! Dr. Gottman gives
the following steps:
1) Explore the Dream(s).
Choose a gridlocked conflict to work on, write an explanation of your position
without criticizing or blaming your spouse, then talk about them. Each partner
spends 15 minutes as the speaker, and 15 minutes as the listener. It’s
important for the listener to focus on listening, without judging or thinking
of rebuttals. (250-251)
2) Soothe. Be
aware of your own and your partner’s physical and emotions reactions. If either
of you are getting stressed by the exercise, use repair attempts (humor,
apologies, etc.) or take a 20 minute break doing something that calms you down.
(253)
3) Reach a temporary compromise. Start by knowing that your goal is not to solve the
conflict- perpetual issues generally don’t go away! Instead, find areas that
you can compromise on. First, you and your partner identify which areas are
nonnegotiable, and which areas you have more flexibility in. Working together,
come up with a temporary compromise. Keeping it temporary allows for
adjustments in the future. Try the compromise for two months, then evaluate the
results together. (253-258)
4) Say “Thank You.” To maintain good feelings in the relationship
after an often uncomfortable and stressful exercise, offer your partner three
specific thank-yous. (259)
Dr. Gottman’s book has many
helpful exercises based on substantial studies he has performed over decades. Much
of his advice goes far beyond the standard recommendations for improving
communication, especially through “active listening.” His book takes us on an
orderly journey that starts by strengthening the friendship and fondness in a
marriage, touches on the need to allow our partner influence us, and then moves
into problem solving and overcoming gridlock. By working through this book
together, a couple can easily take a strained relationship and develop greater
emotional intimacy and overall marital satisfaction. When used in conjunction
with gospel principles such as faith, charity, forgiveness, and sacrifice, this
book can be a life-saver for a marriage that might otherwise drown in
unhappiness, bitterness, or divorce.
My personal experience and
disclaimer: I have read most of this book now, and have been able to do
exercises from many of the chapters. I would love to spend a lot more time on
it with my husband, because just in the portions we have done, we have seen
better communication and understanding, more awareness of each other’s
strengths and good qualities, and less inclination to criticize. I fully plan
on re-reading the book with my husband in the near future, and recommend it to
all couples.
Works
Cited
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work. Second. New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015. Book.
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