Sometimes my husband and I will discuss other married couples we know, and how they either don’t seem to like each other, don’t enjoy spending time together, or just live parallel lives. (Too many of his coworkers seem to actually dislike their spouses!) He always says, “I don’t understand that. I married you because I love you and want to spend time with you,” and I agree with him. Why would you make a life-long (or eternal) commitment to someone you aren’t good friends with?
As marriage expert John M. Gottman, Ph.D. explains, “…happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” (John M. Gottman 21)
I think that when most people get married it’s because they share a friendship like Gottman describes, as well as romantic feelings. With time, the romantic feelings can fade, but if the friendship is still there, the relationship can remain strong. The opposite is not true, though. A relationship doesn’t survive, much less thrive, when there’s only a romantic connection but no real friendship. We need the caring, supportive, enjoyable facets of friendship to maintain emotional intimacy and strong bonds in marriage.
Although we’ve had our struggles, my husband and I have maintained a strong friendship. At times that has been because we were each other’s only close friends because of multiple moves, introverted personalities, and the time it takes to make new friends, but generally it has been a choice. I can honestly say that he is my best friend. He has supported me, stood by me, and been there for me when no one else has. His friendship has lasted longer than any other, and hasn’t dropped off over time like some have. We still enjoy spending time together, finding new adventures, and working on shared goals. I think that’s probably why we’ve beat the odds and made our marriage last this long. That’s not to say that we haven’t had our disagreements, differences, and times when we just annoy the heck out of each other. Marriage is hard. We’re still learning how to deal with our differences in a positive way, but after 25 years of marriage, I think we’ve both learned to agree to disagree on certain matters, and carefully pick our battles. With age, you learn that there aren’t many things that are worth creating hard feelings over!
When you’re not only committed to your marriage, but are also best friends, you find a way to work through the unpleasant times because you know better times will come again. Sometimes you have to rely on the “...tenacity, resourcefulness, and grit of people who love each other and are determined to make their marriage work.” (John M. Gottman xvii)
Works Cited
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second. New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015. Book.
Amen! And we have often wondered why people go on friend-cations or man-cations. I love hanging out with my friends, and I sometimes wish my husband would spend a little more time with guy friends, but we would never go on vacations without each other. I don't go on trips to "get away", but to explore, have adventures, and make memories. While friends are welcome to join us, there's no one I'd rather do that with than my hubby. I cant imagine going somewhere and leaving him behind, nor vice-versa.
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