Two key components to a healthy marriage are knowing your partner well, and having a positive sentiment override (generally having more positive thoughts and feelings than negative towards your partner.) In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman gives advice on how to strengthen both aspects.
The first way to improve a marriage is through increasing one another’s love maps. A love map is “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 54) It includes knowledge of things such as: your spouse’s favorite salad dressing or television show, their beliefs and feelings, and what is currently going on in their life. “Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.” (54) Gottman provides multiple exercises to build a more detailed love map, including asking each other simple questions like:
• “What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument?”
• “What stresses am I facing right now?”
• “How would you like your life to be different three years from now?”
• “What is one of my favorite ways to relax?”
• “Do you feel like certain things are missing from your life? What are they?” (58-62)
The more you know your partner, the stronger your relationship will be. Asking open-ended questions is especially helpful because it invites more open sharing of thoughts, opinions, and feelings. It also shows that you have a “genuine interest in your partner’s life and inner world.”
Another key component of a happy marriage, positive sentiment override, can be strengthened by nurturing fondness and admiration. “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities- even as you grapple with each other’s flaws- you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.” (71) Again, Gottman has exercises to help increase the fondness and admiration you feel towards one another. One of the exercises is to discuss your relationship history. By purposely remembering the start of your relationship, you can bring back the good feelings that were associated with it. Then you can move on to “Cherishing Your Partner,” (79) in which you select ten things that you cherish about your spouse, think of a time recently when they displayed that quality, and then tell yourself “I am really lucky to be with my partner.” Top that off with a love note expressing how much you love and cherish your partner, and read it to them during a date.
I don’t like to recommend books, marriage exercises, or much else without having some experience with it myself, and this marriage advice is no different. My husband and I put this to the test and did the exercise that involved discussing our history. We made sure we had plenty of time, and got rid of distractions. It was fun to reminisce about how we met, the crazy things we’ve done together, and the good times. It reminded us about how much fun we’ve had together, and all of the experiences we’ve shared. We also discussed some of the struggles and hard times, and those helped us appreciate all that we’ve survived together. I can honestly say that we had a wonderful couple of hours just talking. That alone reminded us of how, when we first met, we would just sit and talk, and somehow never ran out of things to discuss. What’s funny is that we don’t talk much when we are out to dinner or in public, so others might look at us and think that we’re one of “those couples” who don’t have much to say to each other anymore, and that used to bother me. But the truth is that we just prefer to talk where it’s quiet and we feel safe to say whatever we want. Doing this exercise reaffirmed that we still enjoy long conversations with each other- we just need time and the right questions!
I am looking forward to doing another exercise with my hubby. We will do “I appreciate..." We will choose five items from a list to express appreciation for things that we have done for each other. This will help us focus on noticing what our partner does, and taking the time to express appreciation for it.
Aside from already having had such a good experience with the first exercise, I find that Gottman’s research and counsel make sense. As he says, “When you acknowledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and marriage, your bond is strengthened. This makes it much easier to address the problem areas in your marriage and initiate positive changes.” I can’t think of a single reason that would make me not want to do such simple exercises to help strengthen my marriage and bring greater joy to our relationship!
Works Cited
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second. New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015. Book.
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