Turning Towards Our Spouse

It seems that when we are young and newly in love, we see our partner through rose-colored glasses. They are almost flawless, and can do no wrong. All those endorphins and hormones have us feeling like we have found that one-in-a-million, perfect person for us. Sadly, these feelings often fade as the flush of new romance wears off and the realities of married life bring to light many differences. Soon, we notice that our spouse doesn’t do things the same way we do (a.k.a. “the right way”) and annoyances build up. If we’re not careful, this can lead to resentment, criticism, and even contempt. We might even start to think that we’ve made a mistake in our choice of partners.

If we thought our spouse was so perfectly suited to us before marriage, why do we doubt that they still are? As Goddard points out, “God can take our marital choices and make them ideally suited to bless us.” (Goddard 64) This means that God may have guided us to each other because we can help each other to develop Christ-like qualities like charity, compassion, patience, and humility. Our seemingly irreconcilable differences may be paths to unity within our marriage, if we approach them with faith in Jesus Christ.

One of the most profound quotes I read this week was, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress” (Goddard 62).

Often, our “job” within our marriage is to love our partner and to try to see the progress they are making, even if they aren’t becoming who we think they should be. It’s trusting that Christ’s redeeming power is in effect in their life, just as much as in our own. When we approach our marriage with the idea that we are partners, working towards the common goal of eternal life together, we put more effort into the relationship than we would if we see it as a relationship of convenience that has to be of certain value to us to be worth it.

One of the ways that we can work through our differences and strengthen our marriage is by “Turning Toward Each Other.” (John M. Gottman) To turn toward your spouse is to connect with him or her. “A tendency to turn toward your partner  is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life” (John M. Gottman 88). Turning toward your partner includes such things as listening to the news together, answering when you are asked a question, sending an encouraging text, and doing mundane chores together. It’s all about looking for opportunities to connect with your spouse, rather than letting those small bids for attention fall on deaf ears. Turning toward requires that you acknowledge your spouse, and pay attention to them. It means you don’t take them for granted. It also involves taking your spouse’s side, and learning to listen with a desire to understand when they are sad, fearful, or angry. The more a couple turns towards each other, the better their friendship will be, and the better the friendship, the better the marriage.

There have been plenty of times in my own marriage when my husband and I have had vast differences in opinions and ways of doing things. We used to argue a lot, and try to prove that we were “right.” It has taken us years to realize that we can both be “right” (or both be wrong!) and that we need to work to understand each other’s perspective, rather than try to push the other to accept our own. As we have grown in the gospel, we have also learned to encourage each other in our efforts to become more Christ-like, and have learned to accept that it’s not our job to try to change and perfect each other- only Jesus Christ can do that! Even after (maybe especially after) 25 years of marriage, we still need to be careful to “turn towards” each other, and not take our marriage, friendship, or love for granted. Marriage is hard work, but the rewards are incredible, and worth every effort.

References
Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, Utah: Joymap Publishing, 2009.
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second. New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015. Book.