What Causes Gridlock and How to Overcome It

Last week I wrote about how 69% of problems in a marriage are perpetual, and how they can lead to gridlock. That seems like a discouraging amount of ongoing problems to have in a marriage, but there is good news- couples can often overcome gridlock and enjoy greater peace and happiness in their marriage.

An important key to preventing gridlock in the first place is to be conscious of each other’s needs. By following some of the exercises I wrote about in previous posts (turning towards each other, nurturing fondness and admiration, etc.) you are less likely to experience as many hurt feelings as you might otherwise. This reduction in hurt feelings generally helps a couple to work through problems without becoming gridlocked.

When gridlock does happen, it’s important to understand that the root cause is “that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect” (John M. Gottman). Generally these are deep dreams that we carry with us from childhood. They might be practical ones like wanting to achieve a certain level of financial success or security, or more profound ones such as a personal spiritual journey or ending a chapter of one’s life. Dreams are the “hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life” (238). Even if our dreams aren’t obvious to our conscious self, they lie under the surface, affecting most of our decisions.

How do these dreams factor in the solution of perpetual problems? If a couple has core dreams that are at variance with one another, it will cause them to argue endlessly about the same issues without getting anywhere. However, when a couple is aware of, understands, and respects each other’s dreams, they are better able to support each other. The first step in overcoming gridlock, then, is to discover what dreams are fueling the conflict. This can be hampered by one or both partners feeling that their dreams are immature or unrealistic, and consequently burying them. This does not actually stop the longing to have the dream fulfilled, though. In fact, it may end up creating more gridlock because the partner seems unaware of what is at the core of the issue.

To uncover each other’s dreams, you need a safe time and place to discuss them. This is not an exercise that should be done when either of you are feeling stressed! Dr. Gottman gives the following steps:

1) Explore the Dream(s). Choose a gridlocked conflict to work on, write an explanation of your position without criticizing or blaming your spouse, then talk about them. Each partner spends 15 minutes as the speaker, and 15 minutes as the listener. It’s important for the listener to focus on listening, without judging or thinking of rebuttals. (250-251)

2) Soothe. Be aware of your own and your partner’s physical and emotions reactions. If either of you are getting stressed by the exercise, use repair attempts (humor, apologies, etc.) or take a 20 minute break doing something that calms you down. (253)

3) Reach a temporary compromise. Start by knowing that your goal is not to solve the conflict- perpetual issues generally don’t go away! Instead, find areas that you can compromise on. First, you and your partner identify which areas are nonnegotiable, and which areas you have more flexibility in. Working together, come up with a temporary compromise. Keeping it temporary allows for adjustments in the future. Try the compromise for two months, then evaluate the results together. (253-258)

4) Say “Thank You.” To maintain good feelings in the relationship after an often uncomfortable and stressful exercise, offer your partner three specific thank-yous. (259)

Dr. Gottman’s book has many helpful exercises based on substantial studies he has performed over decades. Much of his advice goes far beyond the standard recommendations for improving communication, especially through “active listening.” His book takes us on an orderly journey that starts by strengthening the friendship and fondness in a marriage, touches on the need to allow our partner influence us, and then moves into problem solving and overcoming gridlock. By working through this book together, a couple can easily take a strained relationship and develop greater emotional intimacy and overall marital satisfaction. When used in conjunction with gospel principles such as faith, charity, forgiveness, and sacrifice, this book can be a life-saver for a marriage that might otherwise drown in unhappiness, bitterness, or divorce.

My personal experience and disclaimer: I have read most of this book now, and have been able to do exercises from many of the chapters. I would love to spend a lot more time on it with my husband, because just in the portions we have done, we have seen better communication and understanding, more awareness of each other’s strengths and good qualities, and less inclination to criticize. I fully plan on re-reading the book with my husband in the near future, and recommend it to all couples.

Works Cited

John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second. New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015. Book.

How to Address Perpetual Problems in Marriage

     According to John M. Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual as opposed to solvable (John M. Gottman 138). That means that a majority of the disagreements couples have are not going to come to a mutually agreeable solution, and that neither spouse is likely to ever really agree on certain issues. These issues can be complex, and can include things like an inequity in chore distribution, finances, disagreements about how to discipline children, and differing religious beliefs. Having perpetual problems can cause a strong sense of distress for couples who become gridlocked over these issues. They may continually have the same conversation over and over while feeling like they are getting nowhere, or eventually “agree to disagree,” which leads to disengagement and negativity.

     To avoid damage to a relationship, couples need to learn how to successfully manage conflict. Gottman gives four keys to accomplish this:

1) “Negative emotions are important… remember that successful relationships live by the motto ‘When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen’” (157). This means that when your spouse is sharing negative emotions, your put aside your automatic reactions and try to understand what your spouse is trying to share with you. It can take a lot of practice to get good at expressing negative emotions in a non-threatening way, so be gentle and patient with each other as you work on it.

2) “No one is right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones” (157). Each spouse comes into the marriage with vastly different perceptions. This is to be expected since each grew up in a separate household with diverse styles of parenting, conflict resolution, communication, and ways of interacting with the world. Although most spouses have some similarities, each have grown up with unique experiences which shape their perspective. This can enrich the marriage, but can also lead to perpetual problems. It’s important to remember that your perception is only one way of looking at something, and that a different view isn’t necessarily a “wrong” one.

3) “Acceptance is crucial. It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated, they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege, and they dig in. Therefore, the basis for coping effectively with relationship issues, … is to communicate basic acceptance of your partner’s personality” (157). This is where the principle of “turning towards each other” can really help. By working to recognize and appreciate the efforts your spouse makes, you are keeping your focus on the positive aspects of their personality and traits. If each spouse is doing this, it will be far easier to show acceptance rather than negativity and contempt.

4) “Focus on fondness and admiration” (157).  This works hand in hand with turning towards each other. Learning to view your spouse’s shortcomings and quirks as “amusing parts of the whole package” can help to reduce the negativity associated with such. As a couple focuses on their fondness and admiration for each other, they are more likely to communicate acceptance and love, even in the midst of serious disagreements. A key to developing more fondness and admiration is forgiveness. A good refrain to remember is, ''A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers." (Goddard)

     Marriage comes with many challenges, some solvable and some perpetual, but as we strengthen our commitment to our spouse and relationship, we can enjoy greater happiness and satisfaction in life. As quoted in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Ken Brooks gives this excellent insight, "Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners" (Goddard 106). No sacrifice is too great, and no effort is too hard, when it comes to the blessings awaiting us in a happy marriage.

Works Cited
Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, Utah: Joymap Publishing, 2009.
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second. New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015. Book.

The Problem with Pride in Marriage

President Ezra Taft Benson (past president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) gave a talk in April of 1989 called, “Beware of Pride.” This talk has become a classic because of the many profound points he makes about what pride is, and why it’s such an insidious sin. As President Benson states, “The central feature of pride is enmity- enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’” This gives us a basic definition of what pride is, but there are many other quotes that describe how that enmity manifests itself, and they can all apply to our marriages.

Here are a few of my favorites, and what I get from them:
• “Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s….The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives...The proud wish God would agree with them.” It can be hard to sincerely pray that God’s will be done in our life, when we have a picture in our head of how we want things to turn out. We have to remember that God is all-knowing, and He will bless us with what is best for us in the long-run, not necessarily with the things we want in the moment.

• “We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them.” I think this is one of the ways pride manifests itself in marriage. I know I get caught up in thinking that what I want, or how I think, or my solution to a problem is the best (or “right” or “only”) one, which automatically makes my husband’s opinions, ideas, and acts “wrong.” This pits me against him, rather than having us work together as a partnership. 

• “The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others.” Pride is not just competitive, but also involves a strong element of comparison. It’s not good enough to accept ourselves and others as we are. We end up needing to place everyone in categories and basing our worth and theirs on how they measure up.

Once we begin to compare and compete with others, our focus shifts away from trying to please God and do His will.

• “The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment. ‘What will men think of me?’ weighs heavier than ‘What will God think of me?’” Think of all the times you were concerned about what other people think, and how much energy was wasted! I have social anxiety disorder, so I understand being more concerned with what others think. It’s a hellish way to live, constantly worrying about how others might perceive my every word or action. When I re-focus on the Savior, and put my energy into doing what He wants me to, I enjoy greater peace and satisfaction in my life, and a huge decrease in anxiety.

• “If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgment more than men’s, we will have self-esteem.” This is another one that I can relate to. I want to feel good about myself and feel valued as a person, but my “natural” tendency to compare myself and worry about others’ opinions produces the opposite. I could search self-help books for weeks and never find advice that cuts to the issue as succinctly as this quote.

• “Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression.” Wow. This one really made me stop and think. Is anything worth limiting or stopping my progression? Why would I ever want to hold on to such a damning sin? The truth is, I don’t. But, as President Benson points out…

• “Pride affects all of us at various times and in various degrees…Pride is the universal sin, the great vice.” This is something that we will all struggle with. It’s not just a problem for our spouse, our neighbor, our boss, or friend. It’s OUR problem also. The funny thing is, pride by its very nature makes us want to deny it and find ways to avoid confronting it. The first step in overcoming it is in admitting that it is a problem for us. Then we have to make a choice- choose to humble ourselves, or choose to hold tight to our pride. I know which one I want to do, and I know that I can with the Savior’s help.

Turning Towards Our Spouse

It seems that when we are young and newly in love, we see our partner through rose-colored glasses. They are almost flawless, and can do no wrong. All those endorphins and hormones have us feeling like we have found that one-in-a-million, perfect person for us. Sadly, these feelings often fade as the flush of new romance wears off and the realities of married life bring to light many differences. Soon, we notice that our spouse doesn’t do things the same way we do (a.k.a. “the right way”) and annoyances build up. If we’re not careful, this can lead to resentment, criticism, and even contempt. We might even start to think that we’ve made a mistake in our choice of partners.

If we thought our spouse was so perfectly suited to us before marriage, why do we doubt that they still are? As Goddard points out, “God can take our marital choices and make them ideally suited to bless us.” (Goddard 64) This means that God may have guided us to each other because we can help each other to develop Christ-like qualities like charity, compassion, patience, and humility. Our seemingly irreconcilable differences may be paths to unity within our marriage, if we approach them with faith in Jesus Christ.

One of the most profound quotes I read this week was, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress” (Goddard 62).

Often, our “job” within our marriage is to love our partner and to try to see the progress they are making, even if they aren’t becoming who we think they should be. It’s trusting that Christ’s redeeming power is in effect in their life, just as much as in our own. When we approach our marriage with the idea that we are partners, working towards the common goal of eternal life together, we put more effort into the relationship than we would if we see it as a relationship of convenience that has to be of certain value to us to be worth it.

One of the ways that we can work through our differences and strengthen our marriage is by “Turning Toward Each Other.” (John M. Gottman) To turn toward your spouse is to connect with him or her. “A tendency to turn toward your partner  is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life” (John M. Gottman 88). Turning toward your partner includes such things as listening to the news together, answering when you are asked a question, sending an encouraging text, and doing mundane chores together. It’s all about looking for opportunities to connect with your spouse, rather than letting those small bids for attention fall on deaf ears. Turning toward requires that you acknowledge your spouse, and pay attention to them. It means you don’t take them for granted. It also involves taking your spouse’s side, and learning to listen with a desire to understand when they are sad, fearful, or angry. The more a couple turns towards each other, the better their friendship will be, and the better the friendship, the better the marriage.

There have been plenty of times in my own marriage when my husband and I have had vast differences in opinions and ways of doing things. We used to argue a lot, and try to prove that we were “right.” It has taken us years to realize that we can both be “right” (or both be wrong!) and that we need to work to understand each other’s perspective, rather than try to push the other to accept our own. As we have grown in the gospel, we have also learned to encourage each other in our efforts to become more Christ-like, and have learned to accept that it’s not our job to try to change and perfect each other- only Jesus Christ can do that! Even after (maybe especially after) 25 years of marriage, we still need to be careful to “turn towards” each other, and not take our marriage, friendship, or love for granted. Marriage is hard work, but the rewards are incredible, and worth every effort.

References
Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, Utah: Joymap Publishing, 2009.
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second. New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015. Book.

Nurturing Fondness and Admiration in Marriage

Two key components to a healthy marriage are knowing your partner well, and having a positive sentiment override (generally having more positive thoughts and feelings than negative towards your partner.) In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman gives advice on how to strengthen both aspects.

The first way to improve a marriage is through increasing one another’s love maps. A love map is “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 54) It includes knowledge of things such as: your spouse’s favorite salad dressing or television show, their beliefs and feelings, and what is currently going on in their life. “Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.” (54) Gottman provides multiple exercises to build a more detailed love map, including asking each other simple questions like:

• “What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument?”
• “What stresses am I facing right now?”
• “How would you like your life to be different three years from now?”
• “What is one of my favorite ways to relax?”
• “Do you feel like certain things are missing from your life? What are they?” (58-62)

The more you know your partner, the stronger your relationship will be. Asking open-ended questions is especially helpful because it invites more open sharing of thoughts, opinions, and feelings. It also shows that you have a “genuine interest in your partner’s life and inner world.”
Another key component of a happy marriage, positive sentiment override, can be strengthened by nurturing fondness and admiration. “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities- even as you grapple with each other’s flaws- you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.” (71) Again, Gottman has exercises to help increase the fondness and admiration you feel towards one another. One of the exercises is to discuss your relationship history. By purposely remembering the start of your relationship, you can bring back the good feelings that were associated with it. Then you can move on to “Cherishing Your Partner,” (79)  in which you select ten things that you cherish about your spouse, think of a time recently when they displayed that quality, and then tell yourself “I am really lucky to be with my partner.” Top that off with a love note expressing how much you love and cherish your partner, and read it to them during a date.

I don’t like to recommend books, marriage exercises, or much else without having some experience with it myself, and this marriage advice is no different. My husband and I put this to the test and did the exercise that involved discussing our history. We made sure we had plenty of time, and got rid of distractions. It was fun to reminisce about how we met, the crazy things we’ve done together, and the good times. It reminded us about how much fun we’ve had together, and all of the experiences we’ve shared. We also discussed some of the struggles and hard times, and those helped us appreciate all that we’ve survived together. I can honestly say that we had a wonderful couple of hours just talking. That alone reminded us of how, when we first met, we would just sit and talk, and somehow never ran out of things to discuss. What’s funny is that we don’t talk much when we are out to dinner or in public, so others might look at us and think that we’re one of “those couples” who don’t have much to say to each other anymore, and that used to bother me. But the truth is that we just prefer to talk where it’s quiet and we feel safe to say whatever we want. Doing this exercise reaffirmed that we still enjoy long conversations with each other- we just need time and the right questions!

I am looking forward to doing another exercise with my hubby. We will do “I appreciate..." We will choose five items from a list to express appreciation for things that we have done for each other. This will help us focus on noticing what our partner does, and taking the time to express appreciation for it. 

Aside from already having had such a good experience with the first exercise, I find that Gottman’s research and counsel make sense. As he says, “When you acknowledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and marriage, your bond is strengthened. This makes it much easier to address the problem areas in your marriage and initiate positive changes.” I can’t think of a single reason that would make me not want to do such simple exercises to help strengthen my marriage and bring greater joy to our relationship!

Works Cited
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second. New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015. Book.

Friendship in Marriage

Sometimes my husband and I will discuss other married couples we know, and how they either don’t seem to like each other, don’t enjoy spending time together, or just live parallel lives. (Too many of his coworkers seem to actually dislike their spouses!) He always says, “I don’t understand that. I married you because I love you and want to spend time with you,” and I agree with him. Why would you make a life-long (or eternal) commitment to someone you aren’t good friends with?

As marriage expert John M. Gottman, Ph.D. explains, “…happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” (John M. Gottman 21)

I think that when most people get married it’s because they share a friendship like Gottman describes, as well as romantic feelings. With time, the romantic feelings can fade, but if the friendship is still there, the relationship can remain strong. The opposite is not true, though. A relationship doesn’t survive, much less thrive, when there’s only a romantic connection but no real friendship. We need the caring, supportive, enjoyable facets of friendship to maintain emotional intimacy and strong bonds in marriage. 

Although we’ve had our struggles, my husband and I have maintained a strong friendship. At times that has been because we were each other’s only close friends  because of multiple moves, introverted personalities, and the time it takes to make new friends, but generally it has been a choice. I can honestly say that he is my best friend. He has supported me, stood by me, and been there for me when no one else has. His friendship has lasted longer than any other, and hasn’t dropped off over time like some have. We still enjoy spending time together, finding new adventures, and working on shared goals. I think that’s probably why we’ve beat the odds and made our marriage last this long. That’s not to say that we haven’t had our disagreements, differences, and times when we just annoy the heck out of each other. Marriage is hard. We’re still learning how to deal with our differences in a positive way, but after 25 years of marriage, I think we’ve both learned to agree to disagree on certain matters, and carefully pick our battles. With age, you learn that there aren’t many things that are worth creating hard feelings over! 

When you’re not only committed to your marriage, but are also best friends, you find a way to work through the unpleasant times because you know better times will come again. Sometimes you have to rely on the “...tenacity, resourcefulness, and grit of people who love each other and are determined to make their marriage work.” (John M. Gottman xvii)

Works Cited
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second. New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015. Book.

Contract Marriage Vs. Covenant Marriage

Contractual vs. Covenant Marriage

Many people enter into contractual marriages (married by a legal authority.) This creates an agreement that is enforceable by the law, i.e. they can take their disputes before a judge for resolution (often divorce.) A legal marriage contract gives the couple the authorized benefits bestowed by the law, such as inheritance rights, tax benefits, etc. Although many are joined in marriage because of their love for one another, and their desire for commitment, a contractual marriage is basically a legal agreement.

In contrast, a covenant marriage is a formal agreement between a couple and God. It requires the couple to think of more than just the legalities of their marriage. When there are disputes a covenant partnership doesn’t turn to the law for relief, they turn to the third party in their covenant: Heavenly Father. They understand that there is more at stake than just tax liability, spousal support, or shared custody. It affects the eternal welfare of each partner and any children involved. This gives the couple additional incentive to work through their problems, rather seek redress at the hands of the government. 

As Elder Bruce C. Hafen stated, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” (Hafen)

Covenant marriages focus on teamwork, shared goals, an eternal mindset, and a commitment to stay together even when it’s hard, unpleasant, or disappointing. There is no using divorce as an escape hatch (except in cases of abuse or infidelity) and there is no quitting just because they aren’t happy anymore. Couples who commit to a covenant marriage have heavenly help to overcome even the most extreme challenges. They are blessed with stamina and strength. They know that they are fighting for more than just a relationship between two people: they are fighting for their eternal family. And that is often enough to keep them going when nothing else could.

Some of the ways I can maintain a covenant marriage mindset (and avoid the contractual mindset) are:

1.    Remember that my marriage is not just an agreement between me and my husband, it is a promise we made to God.

2.    Seek help from Heavenly Father, scriptures, books, and trusted advisors.

3.    Commit to giving 100%, even when I’m not happy with my spouse or when it doesn’t seem fair.

4.    Dedicate time to work on my marriage. Take time to talk, but also to have fun.

5.    Commit to always having each other’s back and express solidarity. Don’t take someone else’s side against my spouse.

6.    Be affectionate.

“By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection and a fulness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other.” (Bednar)

This is the ultimate goal of a covenant marriage.

Works Cited

Bednar, David A. "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan." Ensign June 2006. <https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng>.

Hafen, Bruce C. "Covenant Marriage." Ensign November 1996: 26. <https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/11/covenant-marriage?lang=eng&_r=1>.